My Confession to James

My Confession to James

This my take on a woman finally realizing she is and will always be the side kick.  This was the letter she gave to the man that loved with all of her heart.  The man that used her.  He never lied to her about it, he was honest about his intentions but she thought that if she loved him hard enough it would change.

Ladies, don't ever think that you can change a man's mind.  He has to do that on his own.

Little Ebony

Little Ebony

My Demon

My Demon

There’s this reoccurring dream that I used to have when I was younger that still haunts me to this day. It would all start with my closet door opening and the old skinny man manifesting from the closet. He looked completely of poverty and seemed to get off on my misery. He would approach with this awkward twisted limp, wearing nothing but a potato sack and his skin was dry and crusty all over, but those things were his most displeasing features. It was his eyes that made him seem like pure evil, there was nothing but blackness where his eyes were supposed to be.

I was always in my bed during the dream I didn’t have the common sense to get up or fight the man. I just lay there and wait for him to start. He’d always take his time examining me not in a perverse way, but it was like he was reading my mind or my spirit and figuring out the best way to kill it.

“You’re so pathetic,” was his favorite line to start with. “So damn stupid,” he’d mumble. “I don’t see how you dress yourself you’re just that stupid.” I would just nod. There was no sense in arguing with him he’d only intensify his attack and give examples of my stupidity it was best to lay there silent.

“You have no defense for it do you?” I shook my head like a good little girl.

“And you’re way too fat. You look disgusting. No one will ever …EVER… love you, you can forget about that. Don’t worry though you won’t be alone. I’ll always be here to help you stay in check. See if I weren’t here you’d think that you might have a chance in this world, but the truth is you just weren’t meant for it. I know I watch you day in and day out and little ugly girl the world is going to swallow you up whole and then shit you out.” I would try not to cry since I knew it was just a dream. It was something that my subconscious was plagued with coming to the light but sometimes his words hurt. He always knew when he’d gotten under my skin I’d see his sick toothless smile. He leaned in and looked at me once more with his dark holes for eyes.

“Damn, you’re so freaking ugly, but that’s nothing in comparison to how stupid you are. I actually feel bad for you. You try so hard in school but it just doesn’t stick. You just aren’t meant to do anything in life. It’s like you were mistake … God let you come down to earth without completing your brain I suppose. It’s a shame really to be ugly and stupid is a double curse most people suffer from one or the other.” He shook his head as if he felt any sort of empathy for me.

The devil sent here to me after all. I had my own personal demon a nameless ashy old man who lived in my closet.

“Have you thought about becoming bulimic? At least then you wouldn’t be fat and ugly, then you’d just be ugly.” He offered as if it were a real alternative. He looked at me as if he expected an answer.

“Well, fatso doesn’t become mute as well. Speak!” He commanded.

“No,” I mumbled.

“No! Why not? Are you scared you’d mistake you finger for a hot dog and try to eat it?” He chuckled. He’d go on and on this way until sunrise or until something else would wake me. I never told anyone I had a bad dream because after a while they were so bad. I saw the old man as the only one who was real with me. He told me the truth so I didn’t expect any miracles from my life.



So for that reason alone I’m thankful to him, the old man who to this day, comes and visits me now and then to remind me of who I really am.

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The Only Man I'll Ever Love

I’ve never pretended to be strong

I never pretended to be smart or beautiful

I just wanted to feel the high of pressing against you

You the man I chose

And will choose time and time again

You the man I care for and want to speak to daily

You the man that I cry for and yearn for

You the man who causes my heart to be heavy

I thought I could disconnect and not feel

But when you touch me I melt

Involuntarily

I fall as you Fall Back

Leaving me to deal  . . . making me stronger

But hurting me at the same time

But . . .

You . . . the man I want more than anything

You the man I crave

You the man I ache and throb for

Will never know my real pain because I will never share my secret obsession

I will never let you in that deep

I will never look into your eyes as you thrust inside of me

Then you’ll know my secret . . .

You’d have to be blind not to see it . . .

You could be blind and not want to see

I know I don’t want to feel

That strongly

I just want to be in your arms

Comforted by your warmth

I’ll clench my pillow tonight and pretend it’s you

I’ll let my head wrap around all of our memories and pretend it’s a great romance

I’ll save my sobs for tomorrow . . . and pray that tomorrow never comes

All I wanted was to be in your arms.

Untitled Poem

What’s in the heart

I know what’s in mine . . . it’s been wrapped up tight and confined

Unleash to let go

Of the ugliness inside

Intense beat

Continuous boom

Threatening sounds of being doomed

Don’t let me go . . . I’ll drown. Will God save me? Will He save me if I jump?

I want . . .

I desire . . .

The things that my heart tells me I require

The intense pull that is the want of your touch . . . with that death could come.

Because with out it what am I?

I am nothing if not a reflection of you and what you want me to be?

So now what will you do?

Do you know what your heart is telling you?

Eye contact - a scary thing as he pulled me into his arms, I will love you until it kills you for you are mine. I will not allow you to surrender, the deepest part of my heart releases a sigh as we embraced. It was fate.

Not A Little Girl Anymore

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters from Twilight!!

(A side note from Awakening the Elements before Ness’ 10th B-Day)

“I don’t need a babysitter anymore Embry, get out!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Embry just sat on our couch and stared at me like I was losing my mind. “I’m serious! Mase isn’t here so you don’t have to be either!” I snapped. Normally, I loved for Embry to be in my space and around me, but he was being stupid. He said he viewed me as a kid sister and I wasn’t having it. I was so tired of this façade.

“Ness, you’re only eight years old,” he scoffed and went back to watching television,” I went to the door and opened it for him.

“Apparently you’re like eighty, I told you to get out!” I fumed and stomped my foot. In hindsight I realized my mannerisms were much like that of a tantrum.

“Edward, said he much rather I be here looking after you while he and Leah were gone. I thought you’d be happy, Rose has Mase and the two of us get to hang out for a week. I was excited about it until you started to freak out.” I closed the door in defeat he wasn’t going anywhere. I was tired of screaming and I needed a drink. As I walked past Em, I noticed that he looked me up and down like he always did. I was thankful I wore my black shortie shorts today, I’d paired it with a pink tank and I looked pretty good. I opened my Pepsi and sat in the chair to the side of him and watched him passively. He took his hair tie of his wrist and pulled his hair into a ponytail. God, I was so thankful he’d let his hair grow back. I slurped on my beverage and he smirked a little at me. He got up and approached me.

“I know how to make you stop pouting,” he threatened.

“Don’t Em, that stopped being funny when I was six!” I warned and put my foot up in an attempt to block him from what he was about to do.

“It stopped being funny to you, but to me it never gets old.” He moved my foot to the side and proceeded to tickle the hell out of me. I arched my back and started to squirm relentlessly. I hated that I was ticklish, it seemed like a weakness of sorts. I was breathless from laughter and couldn’t take anymore.

“Embry … please, you’re killing me,” I said between fits of laughter and he eventually stopped his merciless attack.

“I wouldn’t want to kill you,” he murmured softly as he placed a strand of my hair behind my ear. The look in his eyes said it all. I mirrored the feeling in my heart and what we’d grown into. Embry created this weird delicious twinge in the pit of my belly that I grown to acknowledge as love, desire, and want. It was nerve racking yet intriguing at the same time.

“Embry,” I breathed his name as I moved closer to him. I lips were now a breath away from his.

“I … I … should feed you.” He said as he dashed away from quickly. “Did you want me to cook or we could order something.” I shrugged off his question. I knew what I wanted I would never have.

Regrets, memories, and betrayal

There’s a lot of things in my life that I regret.

A lot of things I truly wish I could say sorry for.

There’s a lot of events that haunt me and keep me stuck in the past.

There’s a lot of people that I’ve done wrong.

There’s a lot of people that have hurt me.

Last year I was at the lowest point in my life and I was struggling to cling onto the familiar. I felt like everyone was leaving me because I wasn’t good enough. I measure myself again so many peole and things.

People kicked when I was down. I let them in and they didn’t really care about my hurts. They were just nosy and wanted to know my faults. I thought they cared, but they thought me foolish and someone to get rid of. To their credit I was not the easiest person to get along with. I’d become quite the bitch. I was only worried about self gratification. I was so low and that’s all that I could focus on.

Now that I’m away from those people … and although I feel lighter sometimes the memories still bite me hard and sting my heart. I’m not used to being the girl that people hate.

Sometimes I feel the urge to apologize.

Sometimes I feel that vengeance has not been done and I wish it to come swiftly.

But most of all I wish I could forget the people that caused this hurt. They tainted my name. The people I wanted to trust and be a part of.

There are so many memories I wish to escape, to run away from my own mind. My mind has the capability to be my own undoing, because seeds of doubts are planted daily within …