Ugly, Ugly Me

I just want someone to think I'm pretty ...
To take a moment to look at me and be mystified
For their breath to still, caught in their throat

They are drawn to me ...
Something I possess
They approach me with a simple "hello"
But it is so much more


It is I want you ...
It is I adore you ...

This look in your eyes I will never see
Because I am immature and foolish
Because I am not the shape of an hourglass
Because my skin is two shades darker than mocha

Because I view myself as ugly
And that's what you see ...

Ugly, ugly me ....

For Him

This is something I wrote before I found out he was kind talkin' to somebody.  Even though it really sucks I did get a really good poem out of it .. 

I'm sure how to read you

All I can be sure of is

All the things you don't do ...

You don't talk to me

You don't even look at me

It leads me to believe 

You are not the one for me 

Even though I want to be 

Wrapped up in your everything.

Just some silly ramblings by a girl with insecurities 

That wants to be the one you need 

But would never believe you could want me .... 

I dream about you constantly 

You wake me from my haunting dreams

And make it impossible for me to sleep

It's sad because we never speak

All it takes is one simple thing

Just take one good look at me

It's enough to make the same old thing 

Keep happening ...

I don't want to want you 

Not unless you want me too

I guess there's nothing I can do

 But wait until I"m done with you or hope to fall for someone new.

Manless Woman ... Who Amounts to Nothing

I wish I could trust people ... 

However life has thought me to expect the worst and that the best very rarely comes.  

I've done what I considered my best but I've become tired of trying.  

This is my life and I've surrendered to it.

I was born with two strikes

I'm dark skinned

I'm female

and in my stupidity I've added the third and final strike by being larger than life.  

I have no respect ... nothing is really mine and death is not an option trust me I've tried.  

I've attempted to end the pain several times.  

But I'm doomed ... beaten down and stuck here.  

I'm trapped in these four walls that I loathe, unable to experience life because I can withstand no more hurt.  I don't trust people enough to be kind.

This is what happens when I have too much time alone.  

I think, I analyze, and I'm brutally honest with myself.

No one will ever love me.  I'm not pretty enough.  

I will not be promoted.  I'm not smart enough.

I will only have the life I've dreamt of through the stories I've created.

And He, well ... He likes Asians.  

The truth hurts but sometimes it's good to remind myself where I stand.  

I will forever be a manless woman ... who amounts to nothing 

The Only Man I'll Ever Love

I’ve never pretended to be strong

I never pretended to be smart or beautiful

I just wanted to feel the high of pressing against you

You the man I chose

And will choose time and time again

You the man I care for and want to speak to daily

You the man that I cry for and yearn for

You the man who causes my heart to be heavy

I thought I could disconnect and not feel

But when you touch me I melt

Involuntarily

I fall as you Fall Back

Leaving me to deal  . . . making me stronger

But hurting me at the same time

But . . .

You . . . the man I want more than anything

You the man I crave

You the man I ache and throb for

Will never know my real pain because I will never share my secret obsession

I will never let you in that deep

I will never look into your eyes as you thrust inside of me

Then you’ll know my secret . . .

You’d have to be blind not to see it . . .

You could be blind and not want to see

I know I don’t want to feel

That strongly

I just want to be in your arms

Comforted by your warmth

I’ll clench my pillow tonight and pretend it’s you

I’ll let my head wrap around all of our memories and pretend it’s a great romance

I’ll save my sobs for tomorrow . . . and pray that tomorrow never comes

All I wanted was to be in your arms.

Untitled Poem

What’s in the heart

I know what’s in mine . . . it’s been wrapped up tight and confined

Unleash to let go

Of the ugliness inside

Intense beat

Continuous boom

Threatening sounds of being doomed

Don’t let me go . . . I’ll drown. Will God save me? Will He save me if I jump?

I want . . .

I desire . . .

The things that my heart tells me I require

The intense pull that is the want of your touch . . . with that death could come.

Because with out it what am I?

I am nothing if not a reflection of you and what you want me to be?

So now what will you do?

Do you know what your heart is telling you?

Eye contact - a scary thing as he pulled me into his arms, I will love you until it kills you for you are mine. I will not allow you to surrender, the deepest part of my heart releases a sigh as we embraced. It was fate.