Dear Heart

It is time to move on already!  I know you think that you control everything and just because you want it we should obtain it.  The pain you are causing us it too much for me to process on a daily basis.  So please being the process of handling rejection so that we can move on from this matter.  I know you and how you like to hang onto the littlest glimmer of hope.  However, there's absolutely nothing to hang onto in this case.  Please stop reminding us all of how beautiful He is.  His image has been downloaded into the memory bank plenty of times.  Trust me we all know how beautiful He is.

You are causing the Libido to go insane and causing other organs (I'd rather not mention) to ache.

Your admiration for Him is one sided and is borderline obsessive.  We need to get back to normal business of daily grind and forward movement.  The rest us are ready to say goodbye to the memory of Him.  It's time to get on the same page.

Sincerely

Brain

The Stigma of Social Media ... Are all Men Like this?

Lately, I've been having a problem with my self worth. I am wondering how I am viewed through the eyes of others.... this one guy I work with makes a point of stating how he only likes white women and it leaves me feeling like my complexion isn't attractive. He talks about people's weight again making me feel ugly. I have struggled a long time mainly in high school with this. It hurts that it is once again an issue in my life. I know not everyone thinks like he does ... but do most people?

Manless Woman ... Who Amounts to Nothing

I wish I could trust people ... 

However life has thought me to expect the worst and that the best very rarely comes.  

I've done what I considered my best but I've become tired of trying.  

This is my life and I've surrendered to it.

I was born with two strikes

I'm dark skinned

I'm female

and in my stupidity I've added the third and final strike by being larger than life.  

I have no respect ... nothing is really mine and death is not an option trust me I've tried.  

I've attempted to end the pain several times.  

But I'm doomed ... beaten down and stuck here.  

I'm trapped in these four walls that I loathe, unable to experience life because I can withstand no more hurt.  I don't trust people enough to be kind.

This is what happens when I have too much time alone.  

I think, I analyze, and I'm brutally honest with myself.

No one will ever love me.  I'm not pretty enough.  

I will not be promoted.  I'm not smart enough.

I will only have the life I've dreamt of through the stories I've created.

And He, well ... He likes Asians.  

The truth hurts but sometimes it's good to remind myself where I stand.  

I will forever be a manless woman ... who amounts to nothing 

The Only Man I'll Ever Love

I’ve never pretended to be strong

I never pretended to be smart or beautiful

I just wanted to feel the high of pressing against you

You the man I chose

And will choose time and time again

You the man I care for and want to speak to daily

You the man that I cry for and yearn for

You the man who causes my heart to be heavy

I thought I could disconnect and not feel

But when you touch me I melt

Involuntarily

I fall as you Fall Back

Leaving me to deal  . . . making me stronger

But hurting me at the same time

But . . .

You . . . the man I want more than anything

You the man I crave

You the man I ache and throb for

Will never know my real pain because I will never share my secret obsession

I will never let you in that deep

I will never look into your eyes as you thrust inside of me

Then you’ll know my secret . . .

You’d have to be blind not to see it . . .

You could be blind and not want to see

I know I don’t want to feel

That strongly

I just want to be in your arms

Comforted by your warmth

I’ll clench my pillow tonight and pretend it’s you

I’ll let my head wrap around all of our memories and pretend it’s a great romance

I’ll save my sobs for tomorrow . . . and pray that tomorrow never comes

All I wanted was to be in your arms.

Fate Got it Wrong

Disclaimer:  I don't own Twilight or any of the characters in it!

Lately, my rest had been uneasy. Uneasy was actually an understatement. I hadn’t been sleeping at all. I lay down beside Emily. She was blissfully unaware of my sorrow as of late. I was proud that I’d been able to shield her from my growing stupidity. I gently dragged myself from our marriage bed and shuffled into the living room area. I checked the time; it was 2:00AM. I sat and held my head in my hands. I needed to get over this; this feeling that I was now plagued with was making me a hypocrite. I was now the bitter one. I was overcome with the reoccurring feeling that it should be me.

It was time for me to continue my ritual of staring at the phone. I was trying to demonstrate strength, will power, but this was my last opportunity to talk to her before… tomorrow.

“Shit,” I murmured as I realized I wasn’t as strong of a man as I claimed to be. This woman had made me emotionally weak. I dialed the familiar number, put the phone to my ear and covered my face with my other hand. I listened to the phone ring, ring, and ring. What the hell was I doing? I should be shot! It wasn’t my place to interrupt her life, but I didn’t have the will power to put the phone down. I wanted to hear her voice, that’s all. As if on cue, she answered the phone.

“Emily?” Leah sounded sleepy and confused, but the tone of her voice warmed and relaxed me.

“Uh, no. It’s me… Sam.” I couldn’t have sounded more awkward if I’d tried.

“Oh… hey,” she slurred, and I assumed she was waiting for me to state my purpose for calling her the night before her wedding.

“So are you ready for tomorrow?” I asked a harmless question that would hopefully keep her on the phone long enough for me to get my fill of her.

“You mean today? You are aware that it’s like 2:12AM?” She grumbled and I heard her mattress shift I imagined her sitting upright and rubbing her eyes. “Since you asked, I’m nervous and I’m excited… it took me a long time to go to sleep,” she fussed and I chuckled under my breath.

“Sorry,” I lied. I was nowhere near sorry. I was actually reveling in the fact that we were having a conversation. She’d been in town for months now and this is the first time that we’d really spoken. I was shocked that she was even taking the time since she made a point of not inviting me to her wedding.

“No you’re not,” she snorted and then let out a breath. “What do you want Sam? What’s bothering you?” Damn, this woman knew me well, and since she knew me so well there was no point in me lying and claiming nothing was wrong.

“I’m bitter Lee. I haven’t felt right since you came back with that man.” I blurted out and waited as the minutes passed in silence. “Leah?”

“I’m still here… I just don’t know what you want me to say.” I couldn’t tell what emotion colored her voice.

“I don’t know either. I didn’t expect to feel the way I do, now that you’ve found someone else. I didn’t expect to hurt,” I confessed.

“Oh,” Again we were engulfed by silence. “I still don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sorry that you feel so… conflicted.” Her confusion was evident in her tone, but I could tell that concern was there too. It was good to have her feel concern for me.

“Why didn’t you want me at your wedding?” I’d felt wounded when everyone else was receiving their invitations and Emily and I were the only ones on the reservation left empty handed. I held the phone between my shoulder and the side of my face wanted to be closer to the sound of her voice.

“That was James’ idea… he doesn’t think very kindly of you, but that’s only because I couldn’t tell him about the imprint thing. He doesn’t like that you hurt me. He’s very protective that way.” She let out a little chuckle, I assumed at the thought of him, her husband to be; a tall, blonde headed fellow with bright blue eyes. He looked nothing like me; surely he couldn’t be her type.

“I don’t like that I hurt you.” She groaned out a sigh in response to my statement.

“Stop living in the past, forgive yourself. I forgave you a long time ago. I wouldn’t have been able to move on if I didn’t.” Hearing that she forgave me filled me with relief. I truly felt that at one time Leah knew me better than anybody in the whole world, and she loved me in spite of all the stuff she knew.

“I’m trying.”

“It’s been years, get over it!” She chuckled. “That’s what you all used to tell me” she said dryly. “To get over it.”

“I just wanted you to get over it because… I didn’t want to deal with the fact that I had hurt you. I didn’t want to be the reason you cried. I still loved you. I’d never felt so torn.” I heard her gasp as she took in my statement. I was shocked that she hadn’t realized that’s why I’d been so cold.

“Sam, why-- Why are you just now telling me all of this? You had years to confess, you’re being sort of selfish; more than kinda selfish.” She shifted again and then blew out a frustrated sigh.

“That’s always been my nature,” I laughed.

“Trust me, I know. I’m glad, though, that we’ve cleared the air. Maybe one day after James doesn’t see you as a jerk we can all get together for dinner or something.”

“So you’re staying in town?” Part of me, no, all of me was hoping she’d say no.

“Yeah, we’re buying a house in town. I want to be close to my mom because we want start a family soon.” A groaned slipped through without my permission.

“So you don’t phase?”

“I’m aggressively trying to stop. I’ve only phased twice since I’ve met James. He keeps me centered and happy.” I could hear the smile in her voice and I, being the selfish jerk that I am, hated her for it.

“That’s so nice,” I tried to seem happy for her.

“Why are you acting jealous? You are happily married, remember? Emily lights up your life. Our love has been dead for years.”

“It’s not dead, Leah, it’s not even comatose. I still remember you… all of you. Do you remember me? Do you remember how I used to hold you?” There was a long silence between us.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this now,” she whispered and then became quiet again. She wasn’t going to answer. “I love James, he loves me, and we’re getting married tomorrow. That’s all you need to know. It’s all I can offer you.”

I could hear the tears in her voice. I’d upset her and I didn’t want that. I just wanted …

“I just want you happy, Leah. I want you to receive all the love you deserve, all of the love I felt for you, and more, Lee, so much more.” I felt emotion swell in my throat. I felt like I had to let her go all over again.

“Sam… please.” She sniffled. I’d made her cry. I shook my head and swiped my face again; all I could offer this woman was pain.

“I know, I know, Lee. I’m sorry. I just… sometimes I think of you and I miss you, but I know I’ve kept you up too long. Get some rest and enjoy tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” she whispered sulking. “Goodnight Sam.”

“Goodnight Leah, sleep beautiful.” We hung up and I felt the new moisture on my face. It felt like I’d said goodbye and I’d never see Leah, ever again.

Once I’d collected my emotions I rose from the couch and returned to the woman that fate had decided was the one for me. But as I lay down and faced away from her, I couldn’t help feeling that fate had got it wrong.