Ugly, Ugly Me

I just want someone to think I'm pretty ...
To take a moment to look at me and be mystified
For their breath to still, caught in their throat

They are drawn to me ...
Something I possess
They approach me with a simple "hello"
But it is so much more


It is I want you ...
It is I adore you ...

This look in your eyes I will never see
Because I am immature and foolish
Because I am not the shape of an hourglass
Because my skin is two shades darker than mocha

Because I view myself as ugly
And that's what you see ...

Ugly, ugly me ....

For Him

This is something I wrote before I found out he was kind talkin' to somebody.  Even though it really sucks I did get a really good poem out of it .. 

I'm sure how to read you

All I can be sure of is

All the things you don't do ...

You don't talk to me

You don't even look at me

It leads me to believe 

You are not the one for me 

Even though I want to be 

Wrapped up in your everything.

Just some silly ramblings by a girl with insecurities 

That wants to be the one you need 

But would never believe you could want me .... 

I dream about you constantly 

You wake me from my haunting dreams

And make it impossible for me to sleep

It's sad because we never speak

All it takes is one simple thing

Just take one good look at me

It's enough to make the same old thing 

Keep happening ...

I don't want to want you 

Not unless you want me too

I guess there's nothing I can do

 But wait until I"m done with you or hope to fall for someone new.

The Stigma of Social Media ... Are all Men Like this?

Lately, I've been having a problem with my self worth. I am wondering how I am viewed through the eyes of others.... this one guy I work with makes a point of stating how he only likes white women and it leaves me feeling like my complexion isn't attractive. He talks about people's weight again making me feel ugly. I have struggled a long time mainly in high school with this. It hurts that it is once again an issue in my life. I know not everyone thinks like he does ... but do most people?

Manless Woman ... Who Amounts to Nothing

I wish I could trust people ... 

However life has thought me to expect the worst and that the best very rarely comes.  

I've done what I considered my best but I've become tired of trying.  

This is my life and I've surrendered to it.

I was born with two strikes

I'm dark skinned

I'm female

and in my stupidity I've added the third and final strike by being larger than life.  

I have no respect ... nothing is really mine and death is not an option trust me I've tried.  

I've attempted to end the pain several times.  

But I'm doomed ... beaten down and stuck here.  

I'm trapped in these four walls that I loathe, unable to experience life because I can withstand no more hurt.  I don't trust people enough to be kind.

This is what happens when I have too much time alone.  

I think, I analyze, and I'm brutally honest with myself.

No one will ever love me.  I'm not pretty enough.  

I will not be promoted.  I'm not smart enough.

I will only have the life I've dreamt of through the stories I've created.

And He, well ... He likes Asians.  

The truth hurts but sometimes it's good to remind myself where I stand.  

I will forever be a manless woman ... who amounts to nothing 

Fifty Shades Of Grey - Trailer

Now on FictionPad

Hey everyone I just wanted to take a minute to let you readers know that my stories are also now on FictionPad.  I will provide you with the link below.  Please show them some love even if you are following me on FF.net they haven't gotten replies yet :-)


The next two stories I plan to update are The Pack and Release Me.  I haven't updated Release Me in quite a while I am in the mood to write a little drama.

I also added The Pack to Tricky Raven I am really glad that it seems to be doing well.

AJ Costo on FictionPad

Compromise: A Black and Grey Moment

Author’s Note: This was for all of you who may have been wondering what happened with Teddy and Tam hit the tub the night Teddy confronted Ben about his feeling for Tam. Give it a read if you were curious.

A Black and Grey Moment: Compromise

Teddy sat in his tub with his prized possession wrapped tightly in his arms. Tam rested her head back against his shoulder and closed her eyes. She didn’t know if the warmth of the water of the nearness of Teddy that made all the stress of the day disappear. She sighed deeply and inhaled the lavender scents of the bubbles surrounding her. Teddy kissed her shoulder and the crook of her neck.

“What are you thinking about Tam Cake?” Teddy murmured against her skin and it made her tingle all over.

“I’m trying my best to think about anything. I just want to focus on how I feel right now in this moment,” she answered honestly without even bothering to opens her eyes.

“So what are you feeling?” Teddy asked because he just wanted to hear her voice. It seemed like they hadn’t talked much that day.

“I feel comfortable, relaxed, safe, and … this is extremely corny Teddy,” she teased. Teddy hunched his shoulders indifferent to her accusation. He gathered her hands in his.

“If you can’t be corny with me, who can you be corny with?” He chuckled and she did too.

“True enough. I feel loved and adored. Be careful you may spoil me and I will expect this type of behavior from you all the time,” she warned before turning around so she could face him. She viewed her fiancé who sat their wet and amazingly naked. Teddy scooted towards her and placed her in his lap, their nakedness touching. He engaged her in a long, slow, passionate kiss. She smoothed her hands along the sides of his face. A low groaned escaped Teddy as he pulled her closer to him and tried to become even more intense.

“Teddy,” she breathed as she pulled way. He tried to kiss her again and she dodged. “I was serious about us waiting … it’s only for a few days.”

“I was seriously about thinking that idea is stupid Tam! Can’t you feel how much I need you baby?” He murmured in that voice that let Tam know he wasn’t going to let her protest without a fight. Teddy’s hard on was brushing against Tam in the most indecent way. She gasped and tried to fight the urges being stirred within her.

“Teddy please, you don’t think it would be even a little romantic if we were to wait. It will be new to us all over again on our wedding night. I think that would be pretty special.” Teddy moved against tauntingly as she spoke.

“I think it could be pretty romantic right now. You remember the first time we took a bath together and how eager you were to please me? You straddled me much like you’re straddling me right now. I’m sure that we could have a little wet sex like what you hoping for that night. Now that you’re more experienced we could most definitely make it work.” He kissed her neck and cupped her breasts in his hands before squeezing them. Tam let out a hiss of satisfaction.

“Teddy,” moaned. She thought quickly. “We need a compromise, you got anything,” she panted. Teddy leaned her back just enough so that he would have better access to placing her left nipple in his mouth. He teased it with his tongues and grazed it a coupled times with teeth.

“Oh shit,” she whispered.

“That’s right give in to me baby,” Teddy murmured before switching his attention over to her right breast. Tam found herself easily falling under Ted’s spell. Her hand traveled below her navel to her center to try to soothe the ache that Teddy had caused. He watched as she played with herself to a few seconds before her pulling her hand up out of the water.

“No, no Tam Cake, that’s my toy you can’t play with!” He teased as he sucked on her fingers that had just been drenched in Tam’s essence. Tam’s eyes became hooded as she watched Teddy suck on her fingers. He smirked at her before kissing each one of her knuckles. He could see the conflict mingled with the lust in Tam’s hazel eyes. “Turn around baby,” he whispered. Tam did as he directed her back was now against his chest. Teddy allowed his work Tammy into quite the frenzy and he leisurely made his way down to where her fingers were recently playing. As soon as his fingers reached her center she let out a small whimper.

“I know baby,” he whispered.

“Do you really?” Tam breathed. “Do you know what you do to me?” She turned his head so she would have better access to his lips. As they kissed Teddy began to relentlessly crush his fingers into Tam.

“Ah, ah shit!” She yelled as she broke their kiss. Teddy continued his rigorously thrust into she collapsed against him fully sated. They lay in the water silent for a few moments.

“Teddy?”

“Yeah?”

“The water’s getting cold. You wanna get out and then maybe I can think of a way to return the favor?” Tam said as dragged herself from off top of him and exited the tub.

“I like the way you think Ms. Black,” Teddy teased.

“Anything for you Mr. Grey.” She winked at him and sashayed out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.